


THE HUNT FOR MYTHRIL

by CrossedQuills



Category: Final Fantasy XV, Preacher (TV)
Genre: Crack Fic, Crossover, Gratuitous Violence, lewd small talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 08:55:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15093419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrossedQuills/pseuds/CrossedQuills
Summary: Total crack fic based on the opening of season 2 of AMC's Preacher.The boys are in search of mythril (instead of God) for the boat and they encounter more excitement than they bargained for.





	THE HUNT FOR MYTHRIL

Based on this clip from Preacher: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMag3KtiyAI

 

 

The Regalia sped along the highway that ran the length from Hammerhead to Lestallum, dutifully ignoring the 45mph speed limit signs. The top was up to shield them from the blazing mid-day sun and the radio was on low. Despite the fact that they’d already been traveling for days didn’t seem to hinder the blonde vampire’s outlandish small talk from the back seat.

“Seventeen million circumcisions a year, that they _report_. And that’s just in this country. Think about it.”

Ignis made a disgusted face from the driver’s seat, looking at the young man in the mirror. “Prompto, I’d really rather not.”

Noctis suppressed a laugh. Prompto never failed to pick a topic to make Ignis’ skin crawl, even if he was technically correct.

“Seventeen million baby boy’s foreskin. Severed, harvested, pilled up, put in freaking wear houses. And you don’t want to know what they’re using them for?”

“Who’s the ‘ _they’_ Prom?” Noct asked.

Ignis took the two seconds of silence to change the subject. “So, this gentleman we’re going to see about the whereabouts of mythril, what’s he like?”

Noctis shrugged. “Gladio’s an old family friend. Knows a lot about nature and foraging and that stuff. Seemed like a good place to start.”

Ignis raised an eyebrow. “Like some kinda geologist, scientist, bookish type of family friend?”

“Well, he does read a lot, but he doesn’t look the part. Trust me.”

“Skin grafts!” Prompto continued, much to Ignis’ chagrin. “Skin grafts is where all those foreskins are goin’. We know they’re putting foreskins in skin grafts. It was on the Sania Yeagre show! And they’re putting it into all those,” he rubbed his own cheeks, “…face creams you’re using.”

Ignis scoffed. “Oh, come now. They do not put foreskins in face creams.”

“Yes, they do! It helps with collagen or something like that.”

“That is a lie… You’d… _feel_ those little foreskins on you.”

Prompto gestured with his freshly rolled joint. “What you feel is firmer, smoother seeming skin. See? And that’s how the market it. You just don’t want to think about it.”

Noctis smiled broadly and looked over at their driver flirtatiously. “You do have really nice skin Igg-”

“That’s quite enough.” Ignis said turned the radio on to drown out the vampire in the back seat. ‘Stand By Me’ started to play melodically over the speakers.

Noctis made a sour face. “This song is depressing. What else is on?”

Ignis flipped the channel again and ‘Come On Eileen’ began to happily fill the cars interior as they sped down the road.

“This song is bad too.” Prompto said, exhaling a plume of smoke from his nostrils, but nobody made any effort to change it. The cheerful beat accompanied by piano was just turned up and soon everyone in the car was lightly bouncing their heads with the music.

A moment later they rounded a stretch of highway and passed a police cruiser that immediately turned on its lights and pulled a hairpin turn behind them, closing the distance in pursuit. Prompto looked over the rims of his sunglasses and groaned. “Shit… I _just_ lit this.”

“How fast were you going?” Noct asked.

“Around 97…” Ignis said, sighing. “It’s alright. We’ll just pull over and talk our way out of it somehow.”

A devious smirk crossed Noct’s features. “Yeah… You _could_ do that.”

Ignis shot him back a knowing look. “You’re serious?”

“It’s up to you.”

“We’re low on fuel, Noct.”

Shrugging, Noctis just leaned back further in his seat and put on his seatbelt. “Fine… _Don’t_ do it then.”

An unspoken dialogue passed between the two in the front seat before Ignis fastened his seat belt too and turned up the volume on the radio.

In the back, Prompto’s toothy grin widened. “I love a good car chase.”

Pushing the gas pedal to the floor Ignis began singing along with the radio, Noct and Prompto joining in seconds later at the top of their lungs.

 _“Come on Eileen, oh I swear (what he means)_ __  
At this moment, you mean everything  
You in that dress, my thoughts I confess  
Verge on dirty  
Ah, come on Eileen

_To rah loo ra too ra LOO RA LIE”_

By now a second cruiser had joined the pursuit. The Regalia rounded the corner and found the road under construction. The advanced maneuverability of the luxury car easily weaved around the cones and road workers before hitting a berm of dirt and getting up on two wheels for an instant. The cops behind them slowed to avoid hitting the civilians, allowing Ignis to gain some distance.

Now that the law enforcement was far off in the rear-view mirror it appeared like the trio had escaped prosecution for the time being.

Relighting his joint, Prompto leaned back in his seat as the music wound to an end. “Good song.”

Noct leaned his arm out the window indifferently, as if they hadn’t just outmaneuvered the Lucis State Troopers. “It’s alright.”

Suddenly the Regalia began to sputter and slow and Ignis looked down at the fuel gauge to see it buried well below the letter “E”. Sirens approached angrily behind them as three cruisers pulled up and surrounded them in a squeal of rubber.

Sighing, Ignis looked over at Noct. “Happy now?”

“Getting there.”

Next thing they were both being yanked out of the car and pressed onto the hot metal of the troopers cruiser hood and patted down. Prompto saved them the trouble and slipped out of the back door before they could grab him, making sure to grab his black parasol as he did.

Two troopers approached him, hand on their holstered guns. “Alright freak, drop the grass and the umbrella. Right now.”

Prompto held the parasol tight and flicked his almost spent joint to the side. “Alright, but see… I need the umbrella or else I burst into flames.”

“Drop it, now!”

“Alright well…” Prompto reached his hand into the vest of his jacket where he kept his backup bottle of SPF 100. “Let me just get my-”

The cops, thinking he was reaching for a weapon, drew their own. “Freeze! Don’t move.”

“Relax. I’m just getting my-”

“On the ground!”

Prompto tried to shout over them. “I’m just getting my sunscreeAHH!” His words were cut short as another trooper tackled him to the ground.

A moment later Prompto was handcuffed and being lead to one of the cruisers, though the officer holding him was kind enough to hold his parasol up to shield him. “Thanks lots.” Prompto whispered to him.

The Sargent, on the other hand, wasn’t too thrilled with the accommodations. “What the hell are you doing?”

The younger officer looked at the umbrella and back to his supervisor. “He said he’d catch fire.”

“Idiot,” said the Sargent, smacking the umbrella away.

Immediately Prompto began to scream as smoke billowed up around his collar. Wriggling out of the cops grasp he sprinted across the road and dove into the back seat of the police cruiser. Thank the gods it had tinted windows.

Baffled, the Sargent walked over and stood in the door. “Come on out here, Boy. We’ve got some questions for you out here in the sunshine.”

Prompto shook his head. “No thank you.” He’d always been sensitive to light, even when he was human, but since he was turned the sun meant serious injury or fatality after only a moment of direct exposure.

The cop grabbed his foot and began pulling him out.

 **“Stop.”** He let go, looking back to Noctis who was speaking in a booming voice. The young man was out of his own cuffs, as was Ignis. His eyes blazed pinkish purple with the magic of the crystal flowing threw him. Noctis turned to the other officers. **“Holster you’re guns.”**

“What the fuck is-”

**“Shut your mouth.”**

The cop went silent.

 **“Everyone stand over there.”** All the cops lined up to one side, facing him. **“You, gas up our car.”** One cop gave him a thumbs up and went over to their cruiser to get a gas tank. Noct addressed the Sargent that was harassing Prompto. **“You… mace your balls.”**

Ignis shot Noctis a surprised look before the Sargent took the mace out of his holster, unzipped his pants, and began to spray. His face immediately went red, but with Noct’s prior command of ‘shut your mouth’ he suffered in silence other than a few sputters and grunts.

To two other cops, **“You two, hold hands.”** They did. And to the one cop who was nice enough to hold the parasol for Prompto, **“You… recite ‘The Yellow Rose of Lucis’.”**

_“There’s a yellow rose of Lucis_

_I’m goin down to see_

_Nobody else could miss her_

_Not half as much as me…”_

Ignis listened to the man sing for a moment before chewing on his lip. “I’m not a fan, Noct.”

“You want me to make him sing a different song?”

“No. I don’t like it when you use your powers like that.” He pointed to the Sargent still making his balls. “And _that’s_ not funny.”

Noctis smirked. “It’s kinda funny.”

“Noct...”

“Would you prefer to be in cuffs again?”

The officer with the fuel tank began walking back toward them. Ignis sighed. “No… lets just refuel, gather Prompto, and be on our way.”

Noctis sighed. “Fine.” He walked across the road, crossing paths with the fuel carrying officer, before a bang sounded in the distance and the officer fell to the ground. Fuel dumping everywhere and mixing with his entrails that now splattered the pavement. Noct looked down the road and saw a flash of light an instant before another shot rang out. **“EVERYBODY DOWN!”**

 Everyone scattered for the safety of the cars for cover (including the one who kept singing, despite the danger) and opened fire on the assailant. The Sargent stood up to get a better shot and quickly was relieved of the upper half of his head as another shot rang out.

Ignis, pressed against the grill of the Regalia shouted, “We’re out in the open!”

“Do something!” Noct shouted back.

Thinking fast, Ignis directed a fire spell at the rear tires of the nearest police car. The subsequent burning rubber created a decent smoke screen for the time being. He ducked his head and ran behind the squad car Noct was taking shelter behind.

Meanwhile, in the back of the cruiser with tinted windows, the still handcuffed Prompto was lying as low as he could in the back seat. Another shot rang out and the rear windows exploded in a shower of glass, bathing the back seat in hot sunlight. Screaming in pain, he crawled through the open door and wiggled his way into the shade under the SUV.

One of the cops dashed for the drivers seat above Prompto and managed to start the car and throw it in drive just before another shot tore through the car and him alike. His body, now lax in the seat, the car began to roll forward.

Prompto, still under it, tried his best to shimmy along the hot asphalt and stay out of the sun.

Ignis and Noct ducked as another shot tore through the car door next to them. “What the hell kind of gun is that?!” Noct yelled.

“Maybe you should ask them.” Ignis quipped before grabbing Noctis by the collar and dragging him behind another car. The fire spell had almost burnt through the whole tire and was starting to ignite the body.

By now they realized that all the police were either dead or dying. “We gotta go.” Noct yelled before seeing the abandoned umbrella at the side of the road. “Where’s Prom?” In the chaos it took him a moment to find their friend desperately shimmying along under the rolling SUV. “Iggy, grab a cruiser, we gotta go.”

“I am not leaving the Regalia, Noct.”

“Iggy-”

“No.”

“Well you better syphon some gas then!”

“Syphon? With what?”

Noctis looked around before tilting his head to the rope like intestines of the deceased officer strewn around the road. “How bout that?”

“Are you serious?” Ignis said.

“It’s up to you. I’m getting Prom.” Noct responded before running off to the SUV.

Under the rolling cruiser, Prompto was running out of road. He could feel the sun on his heels as the vehicle gained momentum. When his belt buckle snagged a craggy section of pavement he struggled to free himself as the cruiser rolled away above him. As the muffler rolled up and over his head he ducked his face as far as he could beneath his collar, but knew it wouldn’t be enough. He was dead.

He screamed as the bumper rolled up and over him before the whole car fell into the drainage ditch.

Yet somehow, he remained unburnt.

Looking up he found Noctis standing over him with his umbrella. “Ready to go?”

Letting out a sigh of relief, Prompto scrambled to his feet. “Yes, please!”

The two of them sprinted across the road and dove into the back seat of the Regalia before it’s tires squealed as it sped away. Noct looked over the seat at Ignis, who had blood smeared all around his mouth. “Go go go!”

Prompto looked out the back window just as the police cruiser exploded.

Emerging from the smoke was the silhouette of a silver haired woman wearing a black trench coat and holding the biggest handgun Prompto had ever seen.

 

~X~X~X

Total crack fic. I know. But for those of you who are Preacher and FFXV fans I hope you appreciated it. :)

Comment to let me know if I should keep rolling with this dumpster fire.

 

 

 

 


End file.
